i'm huge

i didn't intend for this to turn into a rant, but i need to get all of this out.

ok, for everyone who knows me, you know that i've always struggled with my weight. i'm 5'5" and the biggest that i've ever been. i've gained close to 60 pounds since i started at my big kid job. i was a size 14 when i graduated college, and now an 18 is getting tight. when i was 180 i thought, wow, i won't let myself get bigger than 200. then i hit 200, and told myself, well, i won't get over 225. i hit 225 and swore i wouldn't get any bigger. well now i'm 240 (39.9 BMI) and i'm to that point that i can't even fathom being any bigger.

i've got TONS of clothes that don't fit. CUTE clothes that don't fit. i hate feeling that mr. c. will look at me one day and think, 'why am i married to a whale?'. he's incredible, he is so supportive and i don't deserve it. he thinks i'm beautiful, and i have a very hard time believing it. i have some very bad self-esteem days where i try to fit into everything in my closet and feel like going to work in sweatpants because there is absolutely nothing that fits without me looking disgusting. so i try to hide it by making jokes, but that just masks it and doesn't make me feel any better about it. hell even my wii fit calls me obese.

mr. c. and i want babies. cute, healthy babies. i don't want to get pregnant at this weight. i have a feeling that why i'm not ovulating, cuz my body knows how unhealthy it would be. there are so many more risks for being overweight and pregnant. i will already have a less than normal pregancy since i have a bicornuate uterus (it's heart-shaped). i do not want to be super high risk.

so, i'm going to dig out the book my dad gave me (Eat to Live) in college when he lost like 70 pounds when he was doing it whole-hog. since then he's only gained a little but still kept a ton off. so i'm going to join in a friend's (mr. d.) quest to not be a fatso, and start my journey to being happy with my body, and to be healthy.

to follow in mr. d's footsteps here are my longterm goals.
Goal 1: 10% from original weight : 35.9 BMI : 216lbs
Goal 2: 20% from original weight : 31.9 BMI : 192lbs
Goal 3: 42% from original weight : 24 BMI : 140lbs

Body Mass Index:
Underweight = less than 18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = 30 or greater